On Attachment Theory, Greek Mythology, and Reprogramming Trust
Somehow Greek myths are still showing us how to let go and trust the universe
How apt that I begin to write this long form piece on the week of the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in Pisces. These times are often met with advice to detach, let the universe do it’s thing, and allow space for shut doors and open windows.
But like what if you have anxiety?
My entire life has been fraught with anxiety around one thing: attachment. We could sit and psychoanalyze me, and trust I have, as does my therapist. It’s the mommy issues, it’s the daddy issues, it’s the only child issues, it’s a million and one things I could pinpoint for you, but none of that ultimately changes the fact that this anxiety permeates through me, and has shown up in many of my relationships throughout my life.
In comes, Attachment theory, which focuses on how people create, maintain and foster close relationships.
As a psychology major in undergrad, I heard this term, and didn’t think much of it. (Brain not fully formed and all that jazz). Most things felt like they didn’t apply to me, I felt solid, and unstoppable. And then, in comes your early 20s, and you really start to live.
You have your first friend breakups, your first real breakups, and you actually begin to interact with people and their unique set of issues, and suddenly you find you have a whole set of unearthed feelings below the surface.
For me, this came in the form of understanding anxious attachment. I am not the sole person in the universe with this particular affliction, but it often feels like it. Anxious attachment for me often looks like overextending, usually do to a fear of being forgotten, or like I did not try hard enough to maintain a relationship, or that I am failing. Overall, I just don’t want to be abandoned without explanation, but who does?
There are a whole set of attachment styles like avoidant, fearful avoidant, disorganized, secure, etc. However, what I failed to realize is that it was possible to exhibit traits of all of these depending on who you are in relation with. Sometimes this made me hyper-independent, sometimes a bit too eager, other times completely detached and annoyed. Either way, much of it was rooted in my fears of leaning into a relationship a little too much. Because what if….the other person actually sees you… what if they don’t like it… what if, what if, what if.
And yet, no same attachment style is the same, as not every relationship is the same.
What I still find the most interesting is that each style, including anxious, still seems to center around the idea of trust. Trusting that a person will stay, trusting that a person will see you for who you are and choose you still, and trusting that a person will show up for you without shame or fear. What a concept!
I am realizing that this is where I get stuck. I trust that I will show up, that I will set boundaries, and that I will take time to attempt to self-regulate and communicate. But trusting someone else? WILD.
Over the past few months, and even years, I have been attempting to unpack the roots of this for myself, how I created hyper-independence, How to indulge in interdependence, and how to still be authentic to myself, and let me tell you that is a doozy. (s/o my therapist)
However, one day while thinking this over through a TikTok spiral for the ages, I came across the “Wait for Me Reprise” video from Hadestown the musical.
I was immediately captivated and had to do a deep dive on the musical. After, of course, listening to this song from the soundtrack at least 25 times.
I learned the musical tells the story of Eurydice and Orpheus, a story of an ill-fated love from Greek mythology. TL;DR Eurydice and Orpheus are a couple and happy to be together, she dies shortly after they are married, he says absolutely NOT and with the help of Dionysus (Greek god) goes to the underworld to retrieve her, Hades is persuaded by his sweet songs and agrees to let her go back, as long as he never looks back at her on their way up to the land of the living….. you can guess what happens next.
I remember reading this myth and thinking DAMN how tragic, and so similar to the story in the Bible about Lot’s wife, who was told by angels to not look back at Sodom and Gommorah when fleeing, and she did, and therefore was turned to salt. The moral of that story was to trust in God. A story I grew up hearing going to both Catholic and Episcopalian schools + Baptist church. The moral of the story is always trust.
With Eurydice and Orpheus, the moral is also trust, but of the other person. That even if you can’t see them, you trust that they are still there right behind you.
Are you starting to see the connections….?
So funny, as I spent most of my childhood and teens really interested in Greek mythology that there all along was a lesson about trust and attachment. Now I cannot for sure say that Orpheus was anxiously attached, or that Lot’s wife was having some attachment issues with the angels, but I can see how in both situations in these stories that trusting in Eurydice or the angels would have led to better outcomes.
But, Lauren, that’s the scary part! Yes, I know!! Trusting people to show up for you, and trusting that they will communicate their needs and feelings is scary. Also understanding that people are allowed free will and to change their minds is a whole other can of worms. However, what can we learn from Orpheus and Eurydice here?
You have to let people SHOW you, you have to give them the chance to show up, and focus on how you feel internally.
Funnily enough, I started watching the Netflix show KAOS, which also focused on the story of Eurydice and Orpheus, and it gave me even more to contemplate. Mainly because in this story, Eurydice is considering leaving Orpheus before her untimely demise, due to his smothering nature.
Another concept of anxious attachment. Space.
Giving people their space and time to be full-fledged selves is scary, and I have found that fear is rooted in a fear that people will leave or disappear or not come back. (please google emotional permanence and object permanence and if you are feeling really enthusiastic look up emotional permanence and neurodivergency).
But how will you know if they’ll come back if you never give the space to leave? A conundrum, I know.
And even with this fear, the answer still remains trust.
I do not have the magic solve for creating secure attachment or dissolving other attachment styles, but what I can say is that the work of trying may be scary but rewarding. The day I realized how my friends have created a place for security where I can be my full self, and they can be their full selves without fear of abandonment or anger, was a beautiful day, and made all the times it didn’t work out, worth it. And they remind me every single day, “You cannot say the wrong thing, to the right person”.
Trust is hard to build and takes time, but the result is peace. Trusting that the other person is there right beside you, behind you, and with you every step of the way, even if you can’t see them… that’s the STUFF.
So, my ending thoughts to you are to trust the Universe, and trust other people, and know that you are worthy of people being there beside you every step of the way.